Excited To See The UPS Man

and no, that's not some weird joke about S coming home early. I'm actually excited to see one of the other many drivers I know. He should be bringing my Amazon order to me today!

I've ordered the pee-pushers dream, 100 OPKs and like 25 HPTs! I'm so excited to set my pee lab back up in the bathroom. I am going to avoid for this month still but there is nothing like a drawer full of pee-sticks to get a girl excited if she's trying to get pregnant. I'm also hoping and praying that I won't have to use them all and will be able to send some lucky OPKs and HPTs to a fellow TTC'er sometime soon but we shall see.

I am also thanking the Lord for blessing one of my buddies from High School and his wife. They just recently announced their pregnancy on Facebook. While I am side-eying their naivete, I am happy for them. They are announcing their BFP and she is only 5 weeks along. Ignorance really is bliss for some. I just feel that after my experience, I won't be telling anyone besides close family and friends that I am pregnant until I start showing or my 2nd trimester, which ever comes first. I don't feel comfortable in rejoicing with the world just yet til I feel I am mostly out of harm's way. But that's just coming from a gal that's lost a pregnancy and dealt with the aftermath. I will pray for them every night though, that they don't experience and relate to my pain, ever. I can do that much.

Now I'm going to sit here by the door waiting for that UPS man to drop off that package!

Cycle Day 7 & Minka Lilly

Thank you Lord. I thought CD 1 would never come and here we are at CD 7. What a freaking relief.

Off My To Do List...
Buy new BBT
Use Fertility Friend Online
Drink more coffee while I can
Wedding Shower
Thank You Notes for Wedding Shower
Go thrift shopping with Ang.
Go to a baby shower and be happy for the mother to be
Laugh a little more every day

everything else is a work in progress and the progress I've made so far has been monumental. The last time I blogged was on Valentine's. It was a shit morning and night before. I was bawling and sniffling and red faced. I needed some coffee and a shoulder. And I got that and more. I saw my MIA friend Amber and figured out why she dropped off our radars for the past few months.

It hurt when I first saw her. "Why Lord, why are you rubbing salt into a fresh wound? You know how much this is killing me to try to smile for her big, baby mama belly'd self. Why?"

Then I realized that He wasn't torturing me, not on purpose. No, He is showing me that it is okay to hurt but sometimes we need to see that the thing that hurts us doesn't need to be avoided. Sooner or later I am going to see pregnant women all over the place again (so far I've been lucky enough to avoid them.) It is okay to be angry and sad and to grieve. It is okay to not be okay. But I'm going to have to learn to appreciate this miracle with other people and not be so selfish with my joy.

It was amazing therapy. Amber knew my story, my hurt, my pain. And never did she once make mention how unwanted this pregnancy is. Long story but she didn't know she was pregnant til she was 6 months along. She was told at a young age after a horse related accident she wouldn't ever be able to carry a pregnancy. She didn't know she was expecting til after Christmas and her previous life style was NOT conducive to children. Needless to say, Minka Lilly (meaning strength with beauty/innocence) has made it this far without any health problems and passing all her fetal exams, even after all the Russian vodka and cigarettes, and will make her presence definitely known around March 16th, possibly prior. Amber quit everything cold turkey hoping that any damage she might have unknowingly incurred wouldn't be worsened or hurt the baby's chance of life and survival. I am going to the baby shower on March 6th and will cross that off my list.

A shared sorrow is half the sorrow, a shared joy is double the joy.

Not So Happy Valentine's

So last night while S was snoring in my ear within 10 seconds of hitting his pillow, I was tossing and turning and laid in bed just thinking for a good hour or so before I could even get somewhat "sleepy." I was even trying to bore myself in to a nap by reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, which I have been trying to read for nearly a month now, I just start getting heavy eyed after 4 or 5 page turns on my Kindle.  I got to thinking that it was officially February 14th, Valentine's Day. Whoop-de-doo-freaking-dah. Not that I hate the holiday, I'm just not in the mood this year. It's been one month and one week since that day in January...

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

How the hell do I know the exact amount of time passed? I haven't got it marked down as anything special, I don't have a ticker or anything, I don't talk about it much expect here on the blog. But then I realized, I think about it all the time. That's how I know. That's how I know it's been a month and one week. But I don't talk about what it's done to me, not out loud. Well, I do to Ang a lot. But not like I should. I need to talk to someone, preferably female and out loud, about all this. Blogging and Bumping truly have become my therapy but it's so nice to have someone IRL to talk this all over with that isn't related to me or S.

I'm angry as hell. Still. I wanted to be one of those women who thought it wouldn't happen to me, not since I made it all the way to 9 weeks without any mishaps. Today I would have been 15 weeks. Already in my 2nd trimester. The baby would start hearing my voice, I might have felt flutters of movement, I was already so in love. And it kills me. It kills me that I don't let S see this side of me, he handles grief differently than I do. I don't want this to weigh on him like it weighs on me still. He's got more than enough on his plate. And I am STILL googling miscarriage, missed miscarriage, causes of miscarriage and still not making any sense out of this. It doesn't make sense! How? Why? Why me? What did I do wrong? Did I swat a fly and kill it, somehow I doubt karma and God really work that way. I know life is anything but fair but damnit, this is NOT fair. How can so many other women be so careless about their bodies and their babies while being pregnant yet I was so careful and following all the rules just in case and I'm the one who lost a baby. Not them. Never them.

I'm not angry. I'm sad, still in mourning, still waking up with my arms wrapped about my pudgy belly wishing it was round and taut, carrying life within. Still crying at times like this because it doesn't make sense.

All I know is that I'm left with an empty uterus and tear stained cheeks after writing this. Today is definitely going to be a coffee with Ang day at the shop. And by the way, Happy Valentine's Day y'all.

Pee Stick Chronicle Take #fuckoff

That's right. Fuckoff is now an official number along with suckmyballs, kissmyarse, and dammitareyoudonealready. Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch, it's my blog, my numbers...

Anyways, I went and spent like 3 hours in Hobby Lobby, I ADORE that place. Really. You can find everything you never knew you needed in that place. I got SOOOO much stuff that I am sure I will need eventually but don't tell S, he isn't home yet from work and has yet to see the damage to my office that is over crowding with crafts shit stuff. It's kind of my addiction. Piss off.

Andplusalso, in a spur of the moment kind of deal, I stopped by a dollar store to pick up some pee stick cheepies cause, ya know, I love a good punch in the throat every once in a while.

Yea, that's right. A big FUCK YOU to my still empty uterus and still missing period.... so like every pee-stick-aholic masochist out there, I tested again, just in case you know. And maybe an OPK just for good measure. Still nada.
Fucking A, man, when is this going to stop? I need some answers before I rip my uterus out just to give it a good scare into acting correctly.

Kicking My Own Ass

because it's cycle day 32 with no signs of AF but I don't even really know when AF is due. Because I didn't temp and chart.

That's right, I was a gormless idiot that decided I didn't want to chart this cycle. Fucking genius. No, really.

So now I am sitting here in limbo wondering if on the nights we had sex and weren't exactly careful, was I ovulating then? Did I even freaking ovulate? If I did, did I ovulate late? When am I going to get my freaking period and get this cycle done and over with?!

Fuck it, start the ass kicking with a good, hearty punch in the throat.

Just A Little Lost

That's how I've been feeling lately. Just...lost. This post is about to go lame in .02 seconds...

I'm a poster on TTGP on the Bump. Many of you will know this since that is the most common way of finding my blog, it's in my siggy for one and two, I put it out there from time to time.

I love the board. I've learned so much about my body and cycles and even found really amazing women that I am honored to call friends.
but...
I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Many have moved on, some have returned like I have and my heart grieves for them so much, that they know the same pains I do, and new posters have come along. And I don't feel right there anymore. I don't know where I belong.

I don't have any diagnosed fertility problems officially.
I'm not currently pregnant.
I'm actually having to avoid pregnancy.
But I want to get pregnant.
I don't have any children.
I don't want to mourn my loss anymore so I also don't fit in the with Loss Board either.

And I'm kind of scared of joining a new board, what if they make fun of my mismatched socks and my hair cut? Oh Lord, it feels like Middle School all over again.
But at the same time, I know I haven't been contributing to the TTGP board like I should be anymore. I don't want to drop them completely, I just think I'm at a different stage now and have out grown the board somewhat.

Maybe I should intro on TTCAL (trying to conceive after a loss) and see if maybe I fit in a little bit better there?
I'm nervous. Over a bunch of internet strangers. Someone slap the shit out of me please?

Snow, Super Bowl, & Bruises

Sorry I've been such a bad blogger. This week has been, ahem, fun.

No, really. S works for UPS, and the whole "what can brown do for you?" thing? Yea, it pays the bills and keeps S out from underfoot during the week when I'm getting stuff done and being productive. Something about having that man in the house when I'm trying to get work done just doesn't equal a successful endeavor. And with Texas in the middle of a "Heightened State of Emergency" aka it snowed, UPS (which has NEVER shut down in the 7 years he's worked there) has shut down twice in one week due to inclement weather.

Side note here, inclement weather in Texas is when we get more than 0.5" of anything frozen. People forget how to drive, wipe out all the milk, bread, and water from every.fucking.grocery.store.in.town like they are going to be snowed in for weeks, and panic in general. And boy is it fun to watch from the sidelines.

Back to the story! Now, it's not like I don't love the man because God knows I do, I bend over backwards for the shit head. But he loves me, treats me pretty freaking awesome, I get spoiled from time to time, and I don't work. All that being said, I think it's a pretty fair trade. So S only worked 3 days this past week, yea, it's going to put us a little behind on bills but with the amount that UPS is now officially behind, the hours he's going to be working will help us out a bit. Anyways, since we've been pretty much cooped up inside the house, we get a little stir crazy and tear the house down like two 16 year olds left alone in the house without parental advisory. For a week. Meaning we race after each other, we play fight and throw pillow at each other, make out every chance we get, fight over hot water, and have fun. Sometimes things get a little rough. Like I'll throw/kick him off the bed and pray he doesn't bang his head on the way down and I'll try to run away and my leg will get grabbed mid-stride and I'll hit the ground.
Don't worry, he's NOT beating me up or hurting me, I got more hurt during Aikido (a martial art) when I was practicing than I do now. Well, most times.
Like yesterday, I was chasing after him through the house and he thought I was further behind him than I was and he threw shut a door to hinder me for a few seconds cause I'd have to stop and open it up and then run some more, well, I was riiiight behind him and ran right into the spine of the door. Ouch! I've got a tender chin, a bruised foot, and a once tender knee. It's safe to say the playing stopped right there once I screamed out in pain.

I left him with the words said out of pure love:
Don't worry, fucker. You gotta go to sleep sometime.

Ahhh, yes. We are so sweet and loving towards each other.

In other news across the United States of Zombielan-I mean, America... the Super Bowl is tomorrow. Only 2 hours away from me. And yet, my 'Boys aren't playing. And I don't expect them to for a few more years anyways but to have a game hosted in our freaking awesome ass new stadium and the home team isn't even playing, well that's a damn shame. But I've got the lil smokies ready to go and going to make some Rotel Cheese Dip and watch the commercials.

That's right, I'm watching the big game for the commercials, an excuse to eat junk food for hours, and to chug a few beers.